how to be a bad lifeguard

I have been a lifeguard at a local park for the last two years and I plan to lifeguard again this summer. I feel like I have a good view of how to be a pretty bad lifeguard because of some of the things I have experienced. Most of my advice for you will be from my first summer life guarding. Mostly because of Tom. He is the best bad lifeguard EVER!
To follow in Toms’ footsteps you need to be late at least 3 out of the 5 days of the week that you work. This way you get out of all the set up stuff like carrying the kayaks down to the stand, also you get out of putting up the flags and if you’re really late you get out of sitting for the first part of the rotation which is always a plus.
Coming drunk/ hung over is another must. I’m not telling under age people like myself to drink but Tom being (I think) 21 would come to work hung over or on special occasions, still drunk. That was fun because all the trusting parents want a lifeguard to be able to save their child if they start to have trouble swimming. Tom was not that lifeguard. Tom came to work and mostly chewed tobacco and slept, on the stands, great lifeguard.
A topic I brought up last paragraph, Sleeping. Even the best lifeguards have done it; myself, not yet but I’m waiting for my turn this summer. My boss Brett, great guy, (also an occasional drinker), fell asleep and when we caught him he claimed “I was listening to the children in the water”. A guy I work with, Steve fell asleep in our break room and didn’t come down on time for rotation. Since it was my turn to go on break I walked up, snuck into the room, got the air horn (you all know what’s coming) put it about a foot away from his head, and pressed it. The whole beach heard it but all I got from Steve was a, what are you doing here? He gave me a funny look and then he left the room realizing he was late.
Cursing at the little children is a bad thing but a bad lifeguard must. Tom is the only guard that I have witnessed myself doing it but, it was great. It was a picture perfect day; Tom and I were sitting on the stand. This group of young boys was throwing sand; Tom asked them to stop about 4 times. Finally he got SO mad that he leaned down and was like “Hey! Kid! STOP THROWING THE @#$%&*! SAND!!” The little kid looked at Tom like he had just seen a ghost, Tom turned to me and when s*** did I just curse at that kid?
Tom was an amazing lifeguard because this was not his first summer at this park; but it was his last. Blair, the park superintendent, had wanted to catch Tom in the act of something bad but was always at the wrong place wrong time. She finally got her chance one day when Tom went on break to the island. At the park there was an island out in the middle of the lake that if you went to the other side people couldn’t see you. Well Tom thought this was a swell place to go and smoke the reefer. Blair was finally in the right place at the right time. See Blair had a speed boat where we lifeguards only had kayaks. So when Blair came to the beach and asked where Tom was and when we told her at the island; she took off and she caught him in the act. That was a very sad day for everyone because Tom was fired.
You are all thinking about how could it of been horrible, Tom was a bad lifeguard, but he was a good guy at heart. If you knew him he was a funny, nice, sometimes smart guy. It was a shame he was fired, but his family bought the boat concessions stand and now tom is at the lake anyway. I guess you can fire him but never really get him away from the lake. (* names changed to protect actual people*)